Faith Lehane (justaprophecy) wrote in kindred_beings,
Faith Lehane

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It's so much simplier than change..

"I have to take this guy out. The guy with the gun up there will go for me.. you stay here." Buffy told me and fuck me, I said 'okay'. I sat there and watched her with confusion as she went lungin' toward the skylight to the tackle the bastard down -- keeping me out the line of fire. What the hell did she think she was doing? Not even eight minutes ago she was askin' me to give her a reason on why she shouldn't throw me off this roof and right now I wish she did. The big question was 'why'. After everything I put her and her friends through there she was throwing herself into the limelight to help me. After all I put Angel and Wesley through, there they were throwing themselves in the way to help me. Like I wasn't feeling guilty enough? Between all the sorries and thank-yous that I was supposed to catch up on I didn't deserve this. This was supposed to be my punishment.

I tightened my grip around the strap of my bag that still managed to cling upon my shoulder through all this shit. That's right, I packed to blow this joint.. I couldn't hang here anymore. I felt that. I'm sure somewhere in there Soul Boy could feel it too. The ammends I was supposed to make weren't good enough.. and I realize now they're never going going to be. Maybe for them but not for me. Angel asked if I felt sorry.. if I could even say it. What's that supposed to feel like? I tried to say sorry once but what happened? Oh right, she threatened to beat the crap out of me. I was distracted the moment Angel burst through the skylight and onto the skid of the chopper and that's when I decided to make my move. Quick as I could I leapt down to the fire escape and hurried down to the street below, listening to the sound of the fight fade more and more the farther I ran. When it was barely a whisper in my ears I stopped to catch my breath, looking back where I'd just come.

"Thanks," I muttered as if trying the word on for size. It didn't really fit well.

Angel couldn't help me. B couldn't do it, either. Not like this when I could still picture myself ripping their throats out. Fuck, could the cops? Hell no. I know the moment I turn myself in I'll get that wicked urge to just run again like I'm doin' now. I'm a Slayer.. they don't make jail cells for those types. If I were to do that I'd have to control myself and that's something I couldn't do right now.. I'm just not strong enough. Not right now anyway. I highly doubt I'm ever going to be. Violence; it was in my blood. Not just from the pile of shit I made for myself which adds more to the norm but the Slayer mojo too. It was there.. I could feel it. I could feel it bubbling right beneath my skin just waiting to explode on me. I tightened my fists.

"Well, you're quite welcome there, missy," came a man's voice from somewhere beside me. I turned to look at a torn-up thug walking toward me. Oh, this is great. "Look, man," I said with an excusing chuckle in my voice, "You don't wanna do this." I didn't want to.. not this soon.

"Oh you got no idea how bad I wanna do this," he answered back without slowing his approach even a step. The minute his hand was on my shoulder I had his wrist in a lock. It was all instinct and I didn't stop to fuckin' think about it. His gasp from the pain never finished in the quickness I had him turned around and his neck snapped. I dropped him to the pavement. I didn't want to look his way, keeping my sight tuned on where B and Angel were. "Sorry," I said as sincerely as I could, my teeth clenched tight together. Man was I a let down.

... but I still felt nothing. No remorse.. not anything. Is this is how I'm supposed to be.. just like this?

Guess I was the fucked up one after all. Angel couldn't see it, but B could. With a breath taken in I picked my bag back up, slung it over my shoulder, and continued my walk down the street further away from where Angel and Buffy could find me. Didn't know what rocky path I was 'bout to walk on but right now I couldn't fuckin' care.. it was so much easier this way than caring. The pain was much more less and that is what I wanted.

There was no turnin' back now.
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